Navigating Transitions

As the weather becomes cooler and the teachers and children return to school, you may find yourself struggling with the transition. Learning to manage transitions is essential to your emotional well-being.

Step 1: Be Patient.
Be patient as you adapt to changes in the schedule. Allow yourself some extra time so as not to feel rushed or harried, and therefore, irritable. Understand that transitions are necessary and not meant to defeat you. Go with the Flow.

Step 2: Accept Change
The truth is that those who struggle in times of transition are often those who resist change. They prefer to keep things the same and predictable. It is thought to feel safer, for it keeps everything in the comfort zone of familiarity. Of course, life does not stay the same. Accept that change is inevitable. Remind yourself that you are capable of handling change. Eventually the changes that you are experiencing in the now will become familiar.

Step 3: Get Grounded
Schedule a counseling session or better yet, attend a Weekend Workshop offered at Avenues Counseling Center. Let go of fears that hold you hostage to resistance and begin to embrace a life of joy and spontaneity.



 

Why Worry?

Do you recognize your worrier within?

But why do you worry?

      Because you are afraid of the outcome?
         Because it is how you show that you care?
            Because you feel inadequate or powerless over a situation?
               Because you don't know what else to do?

To alleviate worry is simple. Take action instead! For example, if you are worried about not having enough money, write down your expenses and create a budget. Action provides you with something concrete and constructive while you await the outcome. In other words, it gives you something tangible to do.

Why Worry, when you can take Action instead!  

What do you expect of me?

What do you expect of me?

These are words typically spoken by someone who is not worried about meeting expectations, as much as feeling afraid of failing.

It is common to project your fears of failure onto another person in an attempt to avoid failing once again. "Just tell me what you expect of me."It is as if you are asking for the rules of the game. "How do I play? What am I suppose to do?" This is a person that craves direction from another (to alleviate their fear) , and yet desires to be an independent thinker and a leader (to feel successful).

The truth is that the other person does not expect anything from you.

It is your need to get it right, to succeed, to make another person happy.
You don" really need to be told what to do.
You can do what you need to do.

What do I expect of me?
To be true to who I really am, and not what others tell me.

  
 

Do I need to tell you?

You need me to tell you
what to do,
when to do it and
how to do it.

Only to then tell me
that I tell you
what to do,
when to do it and
how to do it.

If you let go of the fear of making a mistake,
you will have the courage to initiate.

And no one will have to tell you
what to do,
when to do it and
how to do it.

You will think for yourself.

Deception

Do you see what I see?

Do you feel what I feel?

I deceive you because I am afraid…
             Afraid that you will react.
                    Afraid that you will be mad.
                           Afraid  of hurting you.
                                Afraid of disappointing you.  
                                         Afraid to tell you the truth.

I deceive to hide the truth. I would rather lie and sneak than risk being punished. As a child I was severely punished. Deception allowed me to avoid punishment. Could deception hurt more than telling the truth? Could I tell the truth and not be punished?  Can I be real?

 

Healing Shame

Shame is a pervasive feeling that affects a person’s living. Without addressing shame, one continues to live his/her life in severe emotional pain that attracts suffering through unhappiness, job dissatisfaction or life dissatisfaction. Shame can be identified by the following beliefs, feelings or behaviors:

Beliefs

I am bad.                                                             There is something wrong with me

It is all my fault.                                                 I am not good enough.

I disappoint others.                                         I can’t do anything right.

I am a loser.

Feelings

Fear                                                        Shame                                          Humiliation          

Fear of what others think                   Embarrassment                          Exposure

Fear of disappointing others              Unworthiness

Fear of failure                                        Inadequacy

 

Behaviors

Keeps secrets                                     Quiet/shares little                                     Speaks in a low voice

Hides behind long hair/hats           Cannot admit to making a mistake       Avoids exposure       
              
Wears more clothing than is          Runs away to avoid confrontation (being exposed)    Hiding
 needed to hide the body  

 

The only way to successfully heal shame is through safe exposure, such as group therapy. Shame is healed by sharing one’s secrets and shameful thoughts and feelings. To heal shame is to free one’s soul from the ongoing feelings of persecution and unworthiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you afraid of making a mistake?

Mistakes happen right? Well if you are the kind of person that can shutter at the thought of making a mistake, then you are afraid of making a mistake. The fear of making a mistake is actually a bigger issue than fear. It is the pervasisve, yet concealed, feeling of shame. Shame produces such beliefs as "I am bad" or "There is something wrong with me."  In this way, a mistake is not just a mistake. It is a horrible and painful experience which needs to be avoided at all cost. In other words it is not, "Oops, I made a mistake," it is the internalized belief that "I am a mistake."

Where does the fear of making a mistake originate?

You may have had experiences in your life such as in your childhood, in which you were scolded or shamed for making a mistake. A parent, sibling or teacher may have said things like, "How could you do that? "You are so stupid," or "What were you thinking?" "Shame on you." Shame is also the result of being called names or from being blamed by others. "I didn't do it, she did." "It is all her fault." 

The fear of making a mistake can also be a birth issue. For example, if you were an unplanned pregnancy or born of young or unwed parents, you may have been born with shame. You may have internalized the belief that "I am a mistake." If your parents hoped for the opposite gender, you may have believed that "I am a disappointment." These two beliefs have long term detrimental effects. For example, the person who believes that they are a mistake can have difficulty admitting to making a mistake, or apologizing. In doing so, it feels as if they are admitting to being a mistake.  The person who believes that they are a disappointment to their parents, will continue to feel that they disappoint others. In other words, if you feel like a mistake, you are likely to make mistakes. If you feel like a disappointment , you are likely to disappoint others.

The fear of making a mistake can also be a karmic issue. For example if you experienced a past life in which you were blamed or persecuted for a crime you did or did not commit, you may carry forth into this lifetime the feeling of shame. "Shame on you for doing that." "It was your fault that people died."  

Regardless of how your fear of making a mistake originated, it is important to know that it can be healed. You deserve a life of peace and joy that comes from healing shame.  Most importantly do not run away from your fears of making a mistake, learn instead to say, "Oops, I made a mistake." In this way, you can begin to move forward with a love for yourself.

Weathering a storm

As the East Coast watches the destruction of Hurricane Sandy, I appreciate my warm, generously lit home that allows me to sit by the fire, and enjoy a cup of tea.  There are two thoughts that I ponder today. The first is the fear of the unknown.  Although we had notice of this storm coming, the weather is unpredictable. The stores sold out of batteries and water as people anxiously prepared to lose power for a period of time. Much of life confronts our fear of the unknown. We truly do not know what will happen throughout our lives. The important thing is to not take a good life for granted.  

The other thought that I ponder this stormy evening is the many storms that I have already weathered in my life. Of course, I am not referring to physical storms, but the emotional storms of one’s life. Life has its challenges. What have been the storms in your life? How did you weather such storms?  There are many unknowns in life that allow us to develop trust in self and in the Universe.  Although you may not know what will happen next, you know that you have navigated difficult waters in the past, including illness, financial issues, childbirth, child rearing, job loss, separation, loss of loved ones, and much more. There were indeed many storms.  May you continue to know the strengths within you to weather whatever storms that lie ahead.  

 

 

Dependency or Self-Reliance?

As a human being, it is possible to become dependent on other people. Perhaps you feel afraid of being alone or believe that you are incapable? Thus, you create a dependency on another person to take care of you physically, emotionally or financially. You are physically dependent when you allow someone to do your laundry, cook your dinner, or make your dental appointment. You are emotionally dependent on another person to make you laugh, to reassure you, or to tell you that you are capable. You are financially dependent when you allow someone to provide for you by paying your bills, buying your dinner, or paying for your entertainment.  It may seem warm and wonderful to be taken care of by another, particularly if it is perceived as nurturance.

However, problems arise when  depending on another person:
1) You feel guilty or ashamed for not being able to take care of yourself
2) You come to believe that you are incapable
3) You feel like you are a burden to others
4) The other person may eventually resent taking care of you
5) You are likely to remain dependent.

The gift of self-reliance is that you share your time with loved ones, but do not need them to take care of you. You feel confident and secure in providing for yourself physically, emotionally and financially.  You assume responsibility for meeting your needs. You take care of your laundry and pay your bills. You make yourself happy. You have the power to create an enjoyable life for yourself.   

The Communication Breakdown

Communication is one of the most common complaints of couples. Often the talker is married to the silent partner. The talker wants to engage in conversation to feel closer and more connected. But what about the partner that says little, if anything?  Problems in communication have less to do with the ability to communicate, and more to do with the fear of communicating. Individuals who refrain from saying anything are afraid of the other persons reaction. Typically this person grew up in an emotionally volatile environment with an angry or reactive parent. Consequently, they learned that it is not safe to say how they feel or what they think, for fear of the consequence of a strong emotional reaction. This response can be further complicated by feelings of shame that say, "I am bad" or "It is all my fault" that the person became angry. In other words, it feels terrible to express oneself. Many such people actually not only say nothng, but shut down emotionally. This causes feelings for their partner who then emotionally reacts from feeling dismissed or ignored. Is it any wonder that there is a breakdown? The silent partner is also at risk for being passive aggressive. Instead of using words to express themselves, they use behavior. They will not tell their partner that they feel angry, but will not talk to their partner for a few hours. They hope that their partner will know how they feel based on their behavior. Of course, it typically backfires in relationships.

Direct communication is saying what you think and what you feel to your partner, regardless of the other person's reaction.  It is taking responsibility to express oneself in order to be heard and understood. Learn to speak honestly and truthfully and to create an environment that allows your partner to do so as well. 

A Falling Message

I see something small and orange falling
from above me,
A leaf perhaps, reminding me to
Let go,
      to be unattached,
      to be without expectation,
      to let go fully and completely.

But wait...

With a closer look and Divine timing,
I see that it is not a falling leaf at all
But a monarch butterfly
Gliding effortlessly in front of of me,
Reminding me
      to trust, 
      to allow,      to be without fear
      And to stand in awe of transformation.

Running from Fear

You can run, but you cannot hide

                                       From the fear that dwells within you.

Temporary relief is not a permanent solution.

                               Name your fears. Look them boldly in the face.

Stay put, transform and heal.  

Mid Life Crisis

What is a mid-life crisis?

A Mid-life crisis is when a person reaches what they perceive as the middle of their life and take an inventory of both their successes and failures. They become frightened when thinking about how quickly time passes and perhaps struggle with the uncertainty of the future. Stress or life changes (empty nest) can trigger the desire to have somethng more or something different in one's life. The person is vulnerable during this time. There is an urgency to make changes, and therefore, their behavior becomes impulsive without a reasonable explanation. They seek to find what they feel is missing. Major purchases, unexpected moves, extramarital affairs are commonly associated with a mid life crisis. When a mid life crisis occurs in an otherwise stable home, it can be devastating to the other family members. The family feels shocked and wonders what happened to the person that they knew and loved and who loved and adored them. It is hard to understand how anyone would want to purposely turn their life upside down to find what they think they are missing.

A mid life crisis can be avoided if you do the emotional work necessary for life fulfillment. A person whose life is fulfilling is not likely to have a mid life crisis. They are content with where they live, who they live with and how they spend a day. They feel gratitude for their health, their home and their family. All is well for the fulfilled person. They do not long for something more, nor do they need to hunt for fulfillment in something new. They are content and proud of all that they have accomplished thus far in their lives.  They see the future as a wondrous adventure filled with more time with loved ones, as well as time to accomplish their continued goals (bucket list).  

Working through differences

If no two people are exactly the same with regard to personality, history, and perceptions, then of course there will be differences. There can be differences of perception, as well as differences of opinion. Regardless of what type of differences you may be experiencing in your life, it is essential  to learn how to work through such differences. When faced with differences, people will either give in,  give up, or confront. Giving in allows you to surrender with trust, while giving up leads you to surrender with fear and mistrust. To confront is to gain understanding and move toward resolution. Too many people give up and therefore surrender the opportunity to learn how to work through differences. To work through differences, requires honest communication, understanding and a willingness to move beyond the strong emotions of hurt and anger. It may mean accepting responsibility for oneself and one's actions and perhaps, saying "I am sorry." Hurt causes divorce. Imagine how many people would still be married if they knew how to work through differences, rather than to give up and perceive that nothing will change, so "why bother." Marriages, family relationships, friendships and life are worth the effort! Learn how to work through your differences, and the emotions they cause, so as to keep beautiful people in your life.

    

Embracing Change

Change is necessary. Yet, many people fear change to the point of avoiding change. It is easier to hold onto the familiar when you are afraid of the unknown. Change challenges our fear of the unknown. We do not know what will happen once things change. Yet, we forget that life is always changing. Seasons change. Children grow and change. Relationships change. People change. If you fear change, you are likely to hold onto the past, the old and the familiar. You resist change. Your sense of security is tied to keeping things the same. With the fear of change is often the belief that change is bad. It is the idea that if things change in your life, you will not be okay. You will not be safe. That is not true. Look around you and notice what has changed or what is in the process of changing. Change is inevitable. Know that all things in life will change, and must change. Accept and embrace change and your life will open to unlimited possibilities. Change is good.

I embrace change. Change is good.

Peace in the Heart

How do you cultivate peace in your heart? The sad truth is that many people are restless and spend much, if not all, of their life looking for something to ease their restlessness. The mind is busy.The world is even busier. And so how does one experience true peace? To begin, you might choose a peaceful place; a place that is free of noise, chaos and distraction. Nature often provides a peaceful environment, as well as spending time alone. Some may find peace in a warm bath, or sitting in meditation. Others may include lying in a hammock or on a float in the pool on a warm summer day as peaceful. Peace is a feeling that comes from being at ease. There is a freedom from the worries of life. It is the ability to "be" rather than the need to "do." Peace is a feeling in which all is well with your world. Everything feels right. You are content in the moment, in the experience, in your living.  But just how do you reach a content and peaceful place within yourself?

To cultivate peace in your heart one must heal the emotions which would otherwise distract you, You must begin to let go of your fears and your worries. Let go of your anger and resentment. Let go of your hurt and sadness. In this way you free your heart to experience the more wondrous feelings of joy, happiness and peace. It is also important to recognize that peace has a spiritual component. It does not matter what you believe in, only that you believe in somethng greater than yourself that has your best interest at heart. In this way, you have the option to surrender your emotional burdens. Often people confuse spirituality with religion, and are opposed to being a part of anything religious.  Spirituality is much more than any particular religion. It is a personalized relationship with the Divine, which may include God, the Angels, the Universe, Buddha, Jesus, Mother Mary, Goddess, or even simply,  a willow tree. Often people will experience a feeling of peacefulness when they attend a church or synagogue. Peace dwells within your spirit. When you nourish your spirit in whatever form, you will find peace. Take the time to cultivate peace in your life. Quiet the mind. Become centered. Breathe deeply. Embrace peace....