Do I need to tell you?

You need me to tell you
what to do,
when to do it and
how to do it.

Only to then tell me
that I tell you
what to do,
when to do it and
how to do it.

If you let go of the fear of making a mistake,
you will have the courage to initiate.

And no one will have to tell you
what to do,
when to do it and
how to do it.

You will think for yourself.

Do you give up or give in?

Do you give up?

To give up is to Surrender. It is the feeling that you will not win regardless of what you try and so you choose not to try. You throw out the white flag and surrender to the loss. You could try, but trying would require effort toward what feels hopeless. When you give up, you are attempting to avoid the familiar feeling of failure.  People who give up already feel like a failure and therefore want to avoid adding additional demerits to their low self-worth. 

Do you give in?

To give in is to experience Defeat. When you give in, you surrender your power to someone else. You subconsciously allow another person to lead, and to decide for you. You defer to them. This is a pattern that tends to occur for the person that lacks self-worth. When you lack self -worth,  you are at risk for allowing others to lead you, as your worth is determined by someone else.  You only feel worth something if someone makes you feel that you are worth something.

A person may also give in for fear of conflict. In an attempt to avoid conflict (AKA angry reaction), you acquiesce to the desires of someone else. It is only after some time of doing so, that you then convince yourself that the other person is controlling or manipulating you, and react by pushing them away. In truth, you subconsciously asked to be led and then eventually resented it, as it is disabling to the self-esteem. It keeps you stuck in failure mode.

Whether your tendency is to give up or give in, you choose to fail. You fail to develop your sense of self, your confidence and your knowledge.  Learn to TRY, regardless of the outcome. You will learn how to do things for the next time. You will learn from your mistakes. In the end, you will feel like a success and not a failure, as you developed knowledge and skills that you take forward. Speak up and allow others to know your feelings and needs. Perseverance and Assertiveness brings SUCCESS!

Did you hear me?

There are two levels of communication. The first level is to be HEARD. People who yell often feel ignored. Consequently they feel the need to yell in order to be heard. To be heard is to feel as though you exist. I am seen and heard. I must exist.

The second level of communication is to be UNDERSTOOD. Although your words are heard, it does not guarantee that you are understood. To be understood is to be listened to. It is the belief that someone actually "gets you" and knows you in a deeper, more complex way. There are many people who go through life never feeling understood. They say, "You don't understand." It is sometimes related to their inability to communicate effectively. It may also be related to a lack of safety in being exposed (known) to others. "You never listen" translates into "You never understand who I am or what I am really trying to tell you."

Learn to communicate in a way that allow others to

not only hear you, but to understand you.  

To improve communication:
1) Ask if you heard the person correctly (Is this what you said?)
2) Ask if you understood the meaning of their words. ("Is this what you meant?")
3) Do not interrupt. It means you are not listening. Let others speak.
4) Avoid interpreting what is being said (I think you said..)
5) Avoid making assumptions. (I think you meant...)

The Communication Breakdown

Communication is one of the most common complaints of couples. Often the talker is married to the silent partner. The talker wants to engage in conversation to feel closer and more connected. But what about the partner that says little, if anything?  Problems in communication have less to do with the ability to communicate, and more to do with the fear of communicating. Individuals who refrain from saying anything are afraid of the other persons reaction. Typically this person grew up in an emotionally volatile environment with an angry or reactive parent. Consequently, they learned that it is not safe to say how they feel or what they think, for fear of the consequence of a strong emotional reaction. This response can be further complicated by feelings of shame that say, "I am bad" or "It is all my fault" that the person became angry. In other words, it feels terrible to express oneself. Many such people actually not only say nothng, but shut down emotionally. This causes feelings for their partner who then emotionally reacts from feeling dismissed or ignored. Is it any wonder that there is a breakdown? The silent partner is also at risk for being passive aggressive. Instead of using words to express themselves, they use behavior. They will not tell their partner that they feel angry, but will not talk to their partner for a few hours. They hope that their partner will know how they feel based on their behavior. Of course, it typically backfires in relationships.

Direct communication is saying what you think and what you feel to your partner, regardless of the other person's reaction.  It is taking responsibility to express oneself in order to be heard and understood. Learn to speak honestly and truthfully and to create an environment that allows your partner to do so as well. 

Wanted: My Own Voice!

Stage 1: Childhood

In my work, I come across many people who through the years have lost their voice, also known as their personal power. If you grew up in a home where there was an addiction, conflict, abuse or neglect, chances are good that you lost your voice. It was not safe to speak up in such an environment. And so you learned to say nothing regardless of what you needed, what you thought or what you felt.  You were simply trying to survive.

Stage 2: Adulthood

It is here where your lost voice may find a voice, but it is not your own. This is a marriage made in heaven! The person without a voice often finds and marries the person with a voice. It is a natural attraction. You need someone who can know what you think, what you need, and what you feel in order to continue to not have a voice. Conflict arises, however, when your spouse gets tired of making decisions, anticipating your need and reading your supplemental behaviors and facial expressions. Spouse will complain that you don't communicate.

Stage 3: Midllife (aka Change is needed. What do I do now?)

After years of being silent, feeling lectured by others who do have a voice, and perhaps feeling talked at, you reach a place where it no longer feels good to not have a voice of your own. It leaves you in a dependent, vulnerable and lonely place where no one hears or understands you. You thought your spouse understood you when he/she could read you without your communication. Spouse now begs you to talk and relinquishes responsibility of talking for you. You feel lost. Therefore, you  must either 1) find another person willing to be your voice or 2) Finally find your own voice.

To find your own voice, you must first heal your fear of getting into trouble or the reaction of others.  These are residual feelings from childhood that is brought into the marriage. In other words, it was there before you ever met your spouse! The squelched voice whispers ( or HOLLERS in frustration for not being heard or understood),  "I cannot talk to you because you react." This translates into "I cannot talk because you will have feelings." And feelings (according to my history) are detrimental to my safety."  As long as you place the blame on the spouse, the fear of others reactions remains. You just transfer ownership to the next person.

Some suggestions for finding (and using) your voice:

1. Speak up. Increaseyour volume so others can hear you. Low voices are indicative of shame.You are afraid of being heard or being visible as it is vulnerable. People will know that you are there. Speak so that others can hear you and respond to you.

2. Look at people when you are taking to insure that you have their attention. Do not talk while looking away or while they walk out of the room.

3. Ask for clarification or validation that you have been heard. Did you hear what I said? (People without a voice blame others for not listening when in fact, they are not talking.)

4. Singing and chanting are ways of opening up the voice. If it feels too threatening, do it in the car. It is healing for your voice.

5. Ask others (who are your talkers) to not interrupt you when you are talking. Remind them that you are learning to communicate and would appreciate having no competition. You will let them know when you are finished and ready for their response. 

6. Thank those who give you space to talk. Let them know that you appreciate their time and patience as you learn a new skill. Learn to rotate "my turn, your turn."

 

Have you checked in the lost and found lately?

I trust that you will find it.

It just needs to be picked up!

Avoiding Conflict

Have you ever noticed that those who avoid conflict are usually people who do not talk and do not express their feelings?

The person who avoids conflict is uncomfortable being in the presence of people who are talking and expressing their feelings at the same time. Typically the person who avoids conflict grew up in a home where there was conflict. As a result, they learned that the expression of feelings will lead to conflict, and thus, feelings cannot be expressed. Conflict is associated with feeling bad (scolded) and leads to feeling like you have failed for disappointing another.

Conflict need not be avoided. Instead it is essential for talking and expressing your feelings to others. Even if there is disagreement, much is gained from moving through a conflict to gain agreement or at best, understanding. The ability to stay present and available while you or someone else is talking and expressing feelings is an important life skill. It leads to healthy communication and strong interpersonal relationships.

It is safe to talk and to feel.      

 

 

Are you passive aggressive?

Most people will not admit to being passive aggressive even if they are passive aggressive . Afterall, it seems like a negative characteristic that people would rather deny than take the time to understand and to transform.

But what does it mean to be passive aggressive?

 Put simply, a person uses behaviors to replace their inadequate verbal communication. The passive aggressive person may easily disassociate from or shut down their uncomfortable emotions. This makes it difficult to adequately identify the emotion, and to express it verbally. When confronted, they may simply respond with "I don't know."  It is common for a person to feel hurt and then to engage in a behavior (i.e. silent treatment) to punish the person who hurt their feelings. They need to retaliate in hopes that the other person will figure out that they feel hurt. The behavior replaces the words, "you hurt my feelings."

Sadly, the passive aggressive person feels misunderstood. They are difficult to read. Words, not behaviors, enable others to clearly understand your feelings. It should not be a guessing game. It is not the responsibility of others to figure out what you are feeling or to somehow draw out your concealed emotions. It is your responsibility to understand your feelings and to express them in a way that others can understand you.  To be verbally expressive is to be understood. To be understood is to let others know your inner self.

Use your voice

Too often people learn to use behaviors, rather than their voice, to communicate. They get angry or upset and sleep in the other room. They walk out the door. They slam down a dish. People who use behaviors to communicate are often misunderstood. Sure, you can ascertain that someone is upset or angry by observing their behavior. However, you may choose to acknowledge or ignore. Most will ignore behaviors as they are deemed immature. A toddler communicates with behaviors as they have yet to gain the language skills to adequately express themselves verbally. Direct communication is healthy communication. Learn to use your voice. Express what you feel. Say what you mean. Compliment rather than criticize or condemn. Otherwise, I cannot hear you.  

"Help. We have a communication problem!"

Couples often look for help with communication with one another.  Often one partner will describe feeling frustrated with the other whom they perceive as unable or unwilling to communicate. They blame their partner for not telling them the truth, for withholding information, for saying nothing.  They feel angry, deceived, or threatened by the silence. These are certainly feelings that exist on the surface with little to no understanding of what lies deeper, more dormant. There are reasons that a person cannot communicate. Some of the most common reasons are that the person is afraid to speak. They have learned in their life that it is not emotionally safe to speak their truth. They are afraid that their words will be met with criticism or shame. This silent person may feel afraid of anger, conflict, saying the wrong thing, or offending another. Therefore, they learn to say nothing. They may even appear as if frozen in fear, unable to say a word. They have been silenced.  How does the partner interpret this emotional shut down? Personally; they take it to mean something about themselves.  It means  “he/she  doesn’t like me, he/she is withholding something from me, or he/she is not telling me the truth. The truth is that when we do not know something that we want to know, we make things up. In other words, if there is an empty space, we fill it up.  A lack of communication is easily healed with emotional safety. It is safe to say what you think and feel. Create environment in which those you love feel emotionally safe to communicate. Everyone will benefit.